Thoughts About Chapnick

As the semester has progressed, I have been confronting this dread I possess regarding picture stories. What I mean is, I enjoy / admire / am inspired by personal projects that other photojournalists have created. But the idea of pouring myself into something like that - the vulnerability there, where you have to pour yourself into people in order that they reveal themselves to you - I have been fighting with myself about whether 'I want to do something like that.' A part of me is really inspired to dive into an issue, into people's lives, and starting with Staff, it's one of the things that I really love about being a journalist - getting to hear people's stories and getting to know them. Another part of me, however, doesn't relish all the 'extra' work that would go into something like that. The work I refer to is all internal and it can be so exhausting. I don't relish the work of having muffle the part of me that quakes in terror whenever I interact with most people, the part that anticipates the inevitable rejection by them that I 'know' most likely won't happen, but it's something that that I've carried around with me since I was 3, so it's hard to get over it. (Thank you to Hurn for his discussion about shyness!!!)

So, when I read "Throughout the world, photojournalists are working on personal projects. These are long-term, independent projects generally not subsidized by newspapers, magazines, or book publishers. They are often the projects that are closest to the photographer's heart; they can be the key to effective photojournalism and career advancement..." I groaned. (I have no choice!)

But then I read: "Every photojournalist can undertake an independent photographic project, but few do. You have to be self-demanding, self-motivated, and stubborn. You have to be willing to spend many hours, maybe years, on the project, and subordinate other pleasurable aspects of your life to it." Ah! So it isn't easy for anyone else! That's encouraging.

The thing I like best about Chapnick's chapter is how he described what people did to make their ideas happen. It doesn't take much to pique my interest, one my challenges is formulating that into something that more people would be interested in.


And I loved Shames' quote: "Your career should not be your main motivation. It only helps if you do projects for the pure love of them. Don't worry about the commercial aspects. The important question is what subject are you willing to spend two, five, or ten years of your life working on even if at the end there is no  compensation."

I like the idea of working on this stuff for me, but for my subjects, too, and not just because I'm supposed to. And so I feel better about putting in the work.

When we were talking about Growing Up Gay, either in Picture Story or in Photography in Society, Rita made a comment that really struck home for me. She waited to do this project that was important to her, until she felt like her skills could do it justice. That moves me, because her project is *so* important. I mean, there are so many people out there who use their background, their insecurity, or their religion to alienize and ostracize the non-heterosexual, and I hate it. I hate how cruel people can be and how they feel justified in their (re)actions. I hate that their stupidity can cause such pain/insecurity/self-doubt/self-loathing in people. I hate it. I know how painful that can be, to have your entire class ignore you for a school year, or send you a note listing who in the class hates you (personally signed by those individuals), or be invited on a ski trip by the popular girls and the night before being told it was all a joke, or any of a myriad of things that happen. I know what it's like to be ridiculed for being different. I also know that my scars aren't unique to me and that they aren't the same type of scars, but they hurt regardless.

That's why I so loved Rita's project - because it was just the story of two people and it emphasized the shared humanity we all have. I loved that, even though it was dealing with intimate situations, it wasn't shoving their sexuality in my face, declaring I AM GAY, but rather I am a human being, who happens to be gay. And so these people (the main subjects and their friends/relationships) weren't defined by their sexual identity, but by who they were.

Just like Rita, I want to do a project on a group of people that are often misunderstood by most: those people with chemical depression and/or bi-polar disorder. Even though Americans today are more familiar, it's amazing how shameful or alienizing or freaky the identity can be for people. It's not something that you just randomly share with people, because you don't know how they're going to react, whether they're going to make fun or be uncomfortable. And even your own family doesn't get it, as much as they would like to.

And just like Rita, it's something that I feel like I want to wait to do until my skills can do it justice. I feel compelled to do it, to speak for these people, partially because I'm intimately familiar with the toll that it can take on people. I've had 2 roommates who had depression, several family members, and a number of friends with this condition. I've had at least 2 friends who have had close friends commit suicide and at least 6 who have lost family members in this way, including two who were mothers who survived their sons and another two were children who lost their fathers. One of my best friends in college was hospitalized for a month when he went off his lithium for 5 days.

I want to do a project like that because I feel like people need to understand what it's like, rather than carry that impression from a Cymbalta commercial "depression hurts, but you don't have to." I feel like it needs to be done because it's something that isn't really done. It isn't understood. And my project might be able to impact people the way Rita's does.